I Ask Only This..

May you continue to deliver me from Indifference.

The Magic of Fatherhood..

Not to expose myself as a Jedi Master of Stating The Obvious, but parenting is difficult. It isn’t for everyone and I applaud those who have made powerful decisions either way. But, at least for me, being a Dad has utterly revolutionized my heart and altered my perspective, unlike anything else. Nothing else really comes close.

Perhaps the single most expansive aspect of parenthood is the way it permanently divests you of the notion that convenience can play a part in the equation of love. From the moment your child enters the world, the instinctive drive to provide and protect them becomes infinitely more powerful than the ego’s yearning for comfort and familiarity. For once, selflessness is the more natural way to behave. You hardly have a choice. Some ancient engine, from some mystic center of things, seems to both compel and propel you. It's almost impossible to put this inner transformation into words.

The path to something resembling enlightenment isn’t always found after years of self-analysis or meditation or chanting or sitting at the feet of the guru. Sometimes, and maybe for more than some of us, it is found in the brutal and irreversible rewiring of the nervous system that accompanies preserving a helpless and precious life in its infancy and slowly, lovingly, painstakingly nurturing this giggly mess into a person; a human thing with its own thoughts and hopes and dreams and passions.

Although one might compare this process to some kind of enlightenment (as I did) or spiritual revolution, I also find that parenting does not, no matter how many kudos we receive, rid us of our own selfishness and ego. Raising a child also does not necessarily make us any more morally robust than others; nor does it automatically allow us to show up selflessly in our relationships with other wounded adults. It is not a balm to heal all wounds and bring light into all our darkened interior spaces.

But it does do something as holy as anything else in this life: It forever challenges the old notions that arise from our instinct to self-preserve, in a way like nothing else can. The challenge is now felt on a visceral level. Selfishness - even of the most passive and non-malicious variety - and the shallow pursuits of pleasure and comfort, do not feel as easy or even as plausible as they once did. Now, with every unfolding moment and pending decision, there is almost always a pause and a voice that says, “but you know another way of loving now.”

Or maybe this is just my experience on a my haphazard and amazing journey from traumatic childhood to addiction to something akin to adulthood and finally into something even more magical. Maybe that's why it was so easy to never go back to those haunted and ugly places, seeking to dull the pain of stolen youth or silence the ghosts that haunt the alleyways of childhood. Being a parent gives us a sacred privilege. It is holy and profound and it feels like a blessing, yes, but also like a kind of relief. To put it simply, we are granted something more important to live for than ourselves.

If there has been any true magic in my life, this is where it began.

I hope and trust that all my Dad friends were able to reflect upon that magic yesterday. Through the ups and downs, the joys and concerns, the triumphs and challenges, it never leaves you. The Magic is always there. And I am so goddamn lucky for it.

Five Simple Rules.

Never dumb yourself down or sweeten yourself up to appease anyone or any situation.

Pay attention to what you rationalize - especially if you are defensive about it.

Be your own advocate. Don't expect anyone else to do your thinking, talking, fighting or growing For you.

Consider the most joyous outcome a real, viable possibility.

Don't demonize your bodily appetites -- but also do not assume that they have your long-term health or happiness in mind.

"Bad Electricity"

"Bushmills and a cup of coffee, black.”

These are the only words anyone in Austin ever heard me say.

I slid the shot glass a few inches to my left, in front of the empty bar stool next to me. The chairs on either side of me were always deserted, regardless of how crowded it got in that goddamn place. It would have been completely fair to call my disposition.. Unwelcoming.

The coffee was perfectly tepid, damn near approaching altogether awful, but you don’t order coffee in a Texas honky-tonk on a Tuesday night for the taste. You swallow and you grimace; and then you swallow again, if for no other reason than to make yourself feel like exactly what you were: Bad Electricity.

"Hiding In Plain Sight.."

She fell in love with someone who wanted to keep pining away in private, and he resented her for ruining that and for attempting to love him, doggedly, out of the shadows and into the light.

"If you can't be with the one you love," a friend of mine says, "love the one who looks, acts or makes you feel closest to the one you love."

Other people might call this having a type. Personally, I think it's an expression of grief for an original and vital soul loss.

We hide in plain sight, in our bodies.

New Mojo Hand, Still The Same Magic..

Because of the nature of my wrist/hand injury and the accompanying nerve pain, I've had to adjust the way I play guitar. Heavy palm muting is out. I've adopted Big Bil Broonzy-style fingerpicking, with a touch of the Carter Lick. Works fairly well.

Things fall apart sometimes, and they're still beautiful.

It's Your Show..

I know stress and worry can take a tremendous toll on some of us. Please try to relax. Take a deep breath once in a while. I know it all seems important, but we are just a sack of old ocean animals clinging to our coral bones, looking for a very complicated way to entertain ourselves.

There is no purpose we are given. Meaning and purpose must be created. So try not to become too overwhelmed by the messiness along the way. You are beautifully human. Have a little fun with it. Explore the territory. Play it for laughs. Find out who you are and then do what you dig and do it on purpose. Because this ride ends, y'all.

Mercy

The human heart is a circus. It is wild, ravenous, messy; desperate to feel, connect, validate, understand. Some of us have learned to escape this reality (or at least hide our vulnerability) better than others. But no matter how you slice it, all of us carry within us an incredible capacity for good and also the capacity to hurt the ones we love the most; the seeds of creation and destruction.

Mercy is a constant reawakening. The blame-game – meaning our fearful and reflexive use of indignation, anger and unforgiveness: that's the stuff of emotional and mental bondage. But to have perspective - to see how much we've been forgiven, to remember how much we ache to see hopefulness in the eyes of those we've wounded - that is the stuff of freedom, the terrain inhabited by the ability to find Mercy.

No matter how horrible the offense that was done against you, there is nothing more destructive than an icy heart that refuses to forgive and refuses to identify (at least on some small level) with the brokenness of the perpetrator. To see that person worthy of love, just as we ourselves are deserving of such a wonderful thing. To see that, in our own darkest moments, we’ve done things that we’re also ashamed of – and we deserve Mercy, too.