Not to expose myself as a Jedi Master of Stating The Obvious, but parenting is difficult. It isn’t for everyone and I applaud those who have made powerful decisions either way. But, at least for me, being a Dad has utterly revolutionized my heart and altered my perspective, unlike anything else. Nothing else really comes close.
Perhaps the single most expansive aspect of parenthood is the way it permanently divests you of the notion that convenience can play a part in the equation of love. From the moment your child enters the world, the instinctive drive to provide and protect them becomes infinitely more powerful than the ego’s yearning for comfort and familiarity. For once, selflessness is the more natural way to behave. You hardly have a choice. Some ancient engine, from some mystic center of things, seems to both compel and propel you. It's almost impossible to put this inner transformation into words.
The path to something resembling enlightenment isn’t always found after years of self-analysis or meditation or chanting or sitting at the feet of the guru. Sometimes, and maybe for more than some of us, it is found in the brutal and irreversible rewiring of the nervous system that accompanies preserving a helpless and precious life in its infancy and slowly, lovingly, painstakingly nurturing this giggly mess into a person; a human thing with its own thoughts and hopes and dreams and passions.
Although one might compare this process to some kind of enlightenment (as I did) or spiritual revolution, I also find that parenting does not, no matter how many kudos we receive, rid us of our own selfishness and ego. Raising a child also does not necessarily make us any more morally robust than others; nor does it automatically allow us to show up selflessly in our relationships with other wounded adults. It is not a balm to heal all wounds and bring light into all our darkened interior spaces.
But it does do something as holy as anything else in this life: It forever challenges the old notions that arise from our instinct to self-preserve, in a way like nothing else can. The challenge is now felt on a visceral level. Selfishness - even of the most passive and non-malicious variety - and the shallow pursuits of pleasure and comfort, do not feel as easy or even as plausible as they once did. Now, with every unfolding moment and pending decision, there is almost always a pause and a voice that says, “but you know another way of loving now.”
Or maybe this is just my experience on a my haphazard and amazing journey from traumatic childhood to addiction to something akin to adulthood and finally into something even more magical. Maybe that's why it was so easy to never go back to those haunted and ugly places, seeking to dull the pain of stolen youth or silence the ghosts that haunt the alleyways of childhood. Being a parent gives us a sacred privilege. It is holy and profound and it feels like a blessing, yes, but also like a kind of relief. To put it simply, we are granted something more important to live for than ourselves.
If there has been any true magic in my life, this is where it began.
I hope and trust that all my Dad friends were able to reflect upon that magic yesterday. Through the ups and downs, the joys and concerns, the triumphs and challenges, it never leaves you. The Magic is always there. And I am so goddamn lucky for it.
