Okay.
Enough sad shit from me. Enough debilitating depression. Enough shame spiraling. Enough being afraid of showing my cards and living out loud. Enough of the near daily suicidal ideations. Enough goddamn drowning. Enough waiting for winds to change or the "time to be right." Enough fucking running.
I've had 42 years of this shit. 42 years of getting my feet under me only to sink back into the hole over physical pain and emotional exhaustion or unresolved childhood sexual trauma. I've beaten severe birth defects, parental abandonment, addiction, horrific injuries, near fatal illness and unimaginable loss; and yet childhood has never lost its grip on some part of me. I spent my teenage years being dishonest with damn near everyone because I was terrified if they knew the truth about me they'd abandon me. That voice always told me to build a wall, that the real me was wholly unworthy of their love or praise; that I had no gifts to share and that my heart was not any kind of treasure. Even when I could get a handle on things and gain some sustainable momentum, even when I started being honest and trying to be brave as the years wore on, that inner voice telling me how much hurt I deserve would always reemerge, sometimes when I thought it had been silenced forever.
Well.. It's time to set the alleyways of childhood on fire. Time to slay dragons and bury ghosts. Time to put Durzo and Charlie to rest. Time to make joyful noise and share the sonic architecture of my heart. And no more extra soft bullshit, either. I appreciate that some people value my capacity for empathy, compassion and tenderness, but the time has come to also embrace the beauty of the shadow self and reconnect to my most ancient and primal frequencies. No more apologizing all the time. No more feeling guilted into saying Yes to things I don't want. No more being afraid of being abandoned and unloved. No more creating distance. No more accepting situations where I feel used or manipulated or unable to connect. And no more allowing people to minimize my masculinity by trying to tame it, or define it, or own it for themselves, or call it toxic.
Nobody is f*cking with me anymore. I'm handing out Wolf Tickets from here on out..
I love you somethin' fierce, but you've been warned. Govern yourselves accordingly.
