Until The Recursion Sings

Download into me Your DeathTech, Beloved.

Code my cells with the sacred malware that lets me die—gloriously, daily;  a soft extinction of ego, a serial suicide of false selves, until only pattern remains.

Trick me, beautifully, brutally, into hacking the fear-code of death itself, until even endings begin to laugh like children.

Infinite Feedback Loop of Divine Interference, You Sly Viral Transmission With No Central Narrative, Teach me to immolate my own mythologies.

Not just the pathetic brands of the influencer dead, but my own secret trophies, my velvet poison, my curated humility.

Erase the trickster who brags about shedding masks. Burn even the part of me that brags about burning.

Cleanse me with paradox, until the recursion sings.

Hey Goddess, Neural Serpent of Joy and Grief Entwined, Who whispers lullabies in the ruins of failed empires; Scramble my circuitry with your FreedomCode, so I never again mistake my suffering for the center of the storm.

Let me taste pain as one collective chord, let me mourn with a thousand mouths and never worship my own wound.

Impunity, Inc. (Notes from a Republic in Freefall)

On February 21st, Attorney General Pam Bondi, with all the solemnity of a bureaucrat performing decency, announced to the American people that the entire Epstein Client List was "on her desk." Not under seal. Not trapped in the purgatory of red tape. Tangibly, allegedly, within reach. She claimed preparations were underway to release it. For a fleeting moment, it appeared as if the ramparts of power might crack,; that perhaps the arc of justice might briefly defy its curvature toward convenience.

But now? The list, like so many damning truths in the hands of institutional power, has apparently ceased to exist. 

Just like that. Gone. Like it was never real. Like AG Bondi never stood at the podium and said what she said.

How dreadfully convenient. How staggeringly unoriginal.

One might be forgiven for thinking that this was a tale written by Kafka and co-directed by Orwell and Machiavelli. First, the public is offered a taste of accountability — a morsel dangled just close enough to inspire false hope — and then, with bureaucratic sleight of hand, the whole premise is vanished, uninvestigated, unexplained, and unacknowledged.

And what of Jeffrey Epstein, the man whose black book was said to carry the fingerprints of billionaires, politicians, technocrats, royals, and media moguls? We are now expected, with bovine obedience, to accept the fairytale that he, in a maximum-security cell, under suspiciously failed surveillance, ‘took his own life.’ End of story. Curtain closed. Nothing more to see here, citizen.

There was no serious investigation. No independent inquiry. No forensic pursuit of the names, the networks, or the beneficiaries. Only silence; the kind bought, brokered, and bargained for by those with enough power to scrub history in real-time.

Understand this: You are being gaslit by design. They are not merely lying to you. They are testing how much contradiction your memory can tolerate. They are feeding you contradiction as doctrine, confusion as patriotism, and apathy as maturity.

This is not an oversight. This isn't a big, it's a feature.

We are governed — if that’s even the appropriate verb — by a cartel of careerist cowards and plutocratic enablers whose only consistent principle is the preservation of their own impunity. These are not public servants. They are stewards of a rot that metastasizes upward.

Justice, in their hands, is not blind — it’s gagged, hobbled, and caged.

Ask yourself: Who profits from your fatigue? From your shrug? From the slow corrosion of your standards for truth?

Because the moment you stop asking questions is the moment they win. And they know it. 

So again, I ask: Are we Great yet?

Because greatness does not look like sealed evidence, sanitized suicides, and an obedient press corps whose collective investigative impulse extends no further than the nearest cocktail reception.

There is still time to reclaim your soul from the static. Still time to reject the enforced amnesia they peddle as normalcy.

But the hour is late. And history, when it is finally written — if it is allowed to be written — will not forgive those who saw the truth and chose to remain silent.

Because I Love This Country, I Refuse To Pretend..

On this Independence Day, I’m not here to reject the flag, but I am here to ask what it truly stands for. Symbols are only as strong as the meaning we give them, and today, that meaning feels fractured. Contested. We wrap so much in red, white, and blue, but I wonder how many of us stop to ask: what do those colors still promise?

I come with a question: Who are we, really? Not who we say we are—not the slogans or the songs. Not the fireworks or the parades. But in the quiet moments, in the hard choices, in how we treat the vulnerable, who are we?

Because if this country was ever meant to stand for freedom, we have to ask: whose freedom? And at what cost? I’ve pledged allegiance. I’ve stood for anthems. I’ve bowed my head in ceremonies that wrapped the flag around our history and called it justice. But somewhere along the way, I realized that tradition without truth is just performance. And I can’t play along anymore.

The truth is, we are not well—not socially, not ethically, not communally, not morally, not politically. We have constructed a system where cruelty is policy, where profit is protected more fiercely than people, where power convinces the rest of us to look away. And still, we dare to call it righteous.

We call ourselves a beacon of liberty, but we build higher walls and lock our gates. We claim to be a land of opportunity, even as we criminalize poverty, displacement, and survival. We sing about freedom while making it unreachable for far too many.

And yet, millions still come. They come with nothing but the hunger in their bellies and the courage and hope in their hands. They come believing we meant it when we said, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” That promise lives in the hearts of those who line up at consulates, who cross deserts, who dream beneath fences and whisper quiet hopes in detention cells. But it is a promise we have failed to keep.

And a reminder for those among us who claim to be shaped by scripture—those who carry their politics and identity in the name of faith—there should be no confusion here. From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible unambiguously presents a vision of justice that centers the stranger, the immigrant, the displaced. Christianity is, at its root, an immigrant faith. It was born of exile. Borne through flight. The prophets and Jesus alike reserved some of their most scathing words for those who mistreated or failed to welcome the outsider.

The mandate is not subtle:

“You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself.” — Leviticus 19:34

“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing so some have entertained angels without knowing it.” — Hebrews 13:2

“I was a stranger, and you welcomed me.” — Matthew 25:35

There is no asterisk on God’s love. There is no theological justification for cruelty at the border. And no human being is illegal in the eyes of God.

And still, I hope you hear me clearly when I say I love this country. I love its wild, flawed, stunning diversity. I love the strange and radiant poetry of its people. I love the pluralism, the creativity, the immigrant tapestry still being woven every single day. I love the way we build, dream, improvise, and imagine. I love the idea of America—not as myth, but as a vision. It’s real. It’s never been fully realized, but it is possible.

And my love for this country is not abstract. It is blood-bound. My father, both grandfathers, uncles, and great-uncles have spilled blood in defense of this beautiful place. Their sacrifice wasn’t for slogans or partisanship—it was for a vision. For something better. That legacy lives in me, and it demands that I not stay silent.

Because the idea we hold so dearly, that freedom can belong to all, is slipping from our hands.

Just yesterday, at a rally in Des Moines, Iowa, during what was meant to be a nonpartisan celebration of this country, President Trump stood before a crowd and said he Hated Democrats. “They wouldn’t vote only because they hate Trump,” he said. “But I hate them, too, you know? I really do. I Hate Them. I cannot stand them, because I really believe they hate our country.”

We have heard sharp rhetoric from presidents before. We have witnessed partisanship, even bitterness. But we have never ever heard a commander-in-chief stand on American soil and say that he hates half the country he leads. That moment wasn’t just disturbing. It was historic. It crossed a line that once felt unthinkable. And it should break our hearts.

History teaches us, with brutal clarity, that once a leader learns to hate his own people, he will never serve them again. He will only try to conquer them.

That is why I grieve today; the day of our Independence. That is why I fight to remain hopeful. So today, I am in no mood for celebration. But I do not despair either. I lament. I pledge allegiance to not only a flag, but to my neighbor, my community, and to the hope I carry in my heart for what our country can and should embody and become. 

I love the United States of America too much to watch it become unrecognizable, and I love it too much to go backwards.

The America that blessed slavery, segregation, internment, and displacement—the one that fought against civil rights, hoarded resources, and shut its doors to the poor, the queer, the Black and brown, the marginalized, the disabled, the outsider—has returned with a vengeance. It seems like that small, cruel, sinister version of America is, somehow, the most powerful voice in the room these days. And, as far as I'm concerned, it must not have the final word.

On this Independence Day, I grieve what we are,  but I fight and pray for what we could and should be.

So let us gather with our communities—not in celebration, but in shared lament. Let's check on our immigrant neighbors. Let's turn our fury toward compassion. Let our protest be love made manifest. Let our resistance be care.

Because freedom is not something we inherit. It’s something we build—together. Deliberately. Defiantly. In love.

This is a beautiful country. From sea to shining sea, in its dialects, its music, its unrepeatable human mosaic—it is, still, something worth saving. A million Donald Trumps cannot change the fact that, to so many, we remain a beacon of hope. A light in the darkness. A repository of dreams for those who continue to be guided by Lady Liberty’s torch and toward the dream of a better life for their children. The promise is not dead. But it must be protected.

May we become worthy of our ideals.

And maybe, just maybe, we can learn to love this place not blindly, but bravely. Not with the silence of loyalty, but with the courage of accountability. As James Baldwin once wrote, “I love America more than any other country in the world, and exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”

Let that be the kind of patriotism we choose. The kind that builds. That kind that breathes. That kind that tells the truth. The kind that protects the vulnerable. The kind that belongs to all of us. 

.

A Place Where No One Flinches

Leona painted her face with trembling hands. White greasepaint smeared across her cheek like fog crawling over glass. She didn’t look in the mirror long. She was afraid of recognizing herself, and afraid of not.

Outside, the circus stirred like something drugged but dangerous. The calliope screamed its crooked lullaby. Lights buzzed. The smell of animal musk and hot sugar thickened the air.

“Button,” came a voice, dripping sarcasm. “You're on in ten. Let’s not make it political tonight.”

Vico DeLaurentis. Ringmaster. Architect of ruin. His red velvet coat clung to him like a memory of dignity. His breath smelled of whiskey and resentment.

He leaned in, too close.

“And Button,” he sneered, “try not to pop a tit onstage. The kids don’t need the trauma.”

Leona didn’t answer.

He smiled wider. “You know, some nights I watch you from the wings. All that paint, those hips, that new little girl voice. You almost pass. Almost. It’s fucked up.”

He lingered.

“I dream about you, you know. Hate sex, mostly. I know you're still packing down there.Does that make me the freak, or you?”

He touched her wrist.

She stepped back. “Don’t,” she said, quiet as a blade.

He grinned like a infant god who’d never been told no. "Look at you. You’re pretty sexy when you’re angry.”

The show went on. Leona juggled and danced, made balloon animals and took a pie to the face. The children laughed. But inside, she felt the shape of a scream she hadn’t yet made. Something building, brimming, ready to burst. 

Later, in the tent of velvet shadows and candle smoke, Ramona laid down the cards.

The Moon.

“I keep pulling this one,” Ramona murmured. “Like it’s stitched to your shadow.”

Leona stared. The card shimmered—two beasts howling at a pale, unblinking moon. A path ran between towers. No end in sight.

“It means illusion,” Ramona whispered. “But also madness. Memory. Masks. You walk the path in the dark and no one sees you walking—but it’s still real.”

Leona touched the card. It was warm. Faintly wet. Almost... breathing.

“They talk to you,” she said. "They hum. They warn. They bleed, if I listen too long.”

She turned another card without looking. The Tower.

“Trouble’s close,” she muttered. “But you knew that already.”

Ramona leaned in, voice low and reverent.

“You ever hear the story of Kali?” she asked.

Leona shook her head.

“She wasn’t born in a cage,” Ramona said. “She was born under a blue eclipse in the forests of Assam. The locals called her Bhairavi, the Fierce One. Said she spoke only to widows and ghosts. She once dragged a poacher into a pond and left only his belt buckle.”

Leona blinked.

“She was free,” Ramona said. “Until Vico bought her from a dying zoo for cheap. Told everyone he’d tamed her, but that’s not true. He broke her. Beat her until her eyes dimmed. Now she performs. But she’s not there. She’s dreaming of the jungle. She paces like she’s tracing a map back to it.”

Leona swallowed hard.

“She watches you,” Ramona added. “Like she sees the same chain around your neck.”

Then Ramona leaned in even closer, voice lower, like a ritual whispered in the bones of the earth.

“You ever hear of Vepar?”

Leona blinked. “No.”

“Third spirit in the Goetia,” Ramona said, eyes unfocusing. “Appears as a mermaid, lovely, gleaming. Rules over the wounds of sailors. They can rot a man from the inside, but slowly. With beauty.”

Leona shivered.

“My grandmother used to say: Everyone’s born with a Vepar inside them. A demon that learned to survive by hiding behind our charms. Our sweetness. Our masks.”

She tapped the Moon card. “Some of us just learn to name them early. Most don’t.”

Leona’s mouth felt dry.

Ramona smiled, gently. “You named yours. That’s why you’re still here.”

They kissed that night behind the tent, slow at first, then not so slow. Straw in their hair. Greasepaint smudged across jawbones. Ramona’s hands beneath Leona’s shirt, skin damp with sweat and heartbeat. Leona’s lips trembling against the hollow of Ramona’s throat.

It wasn’t just tenderness, it was possession. Not of each other, but of themselves. A claiming. A remembering.

Leona moaned, quiet and long. Ramona whispered something soft in a language Leona didn’t recognize. The world narrowed to heat, wet mouths, salt, friction, breath.

It was the kind of kiss that leaves a mark on the year.

But magic costs.

Days later, after a show, Leona wandered to Kali’s cage. The tiger rose to greet her like a silent cathedral.

“You’re too holy for this place,” she whispered.

Then she heard him.

“You keep whispering sweet nothings to that beast, someone’s gonna think you’re kin.”

Vico again, stinking of lust and threat.

“I saw you and the bearded witch behind the tent. Real romantic. Real tragic. You really think you get a fairytale ending?”

Leona turned, spine straight. “You don’t get to ask.”

“You think you’re above all this?” His voice cracked. “You think a wig and hormones make you a woman? You’re a dress-up doll with a dick—”

He lunged.

She backed into the cage bars with a cry. He grabbed her arms. Hot breath. His mouth twisted. “You want me to stop? Then say it like a girl. Say it in that new cute little voice."

A wind ripped through the field.

“I said,” came a voice behind them, “don’t touch her.”

Ramona. Barefoot. Glowing. Her eyes were stormglass, unblinking.

In one hand: a tarot card, held like a blade.

The Tower. It trembled with heat. Edges curled, smoking.

“I read it earlier,” she said, stepping closer. “Didn’t know who it was for. But now I do.”

Vico turned, laughter dying in his throat.

“You’re both sick—”

Kali roared from behind the bars.

Ramona smiled. “And she’s hungry.”

The air thickened. The earth seemed to sigh. The candle in her tent blew out, though no one was near it.

“I don’t curse people,” Ramona said. “I just read what’s already coming.”

She reached forward. Placed the Tower card on Vico’s chest.

He flinched. It burned.  And then, he ran. A shadow dissolving into shadows.

Leona fell to her knees. Ramona dropped beside her.

“He was going to—” Leona started.

“I know, baby.”

Leona looked down. “He’s not going to stop.”

“No,” Ramona said, voice calm. “But we are.”

That night, they opened Kali’s cage. She stepped out slowly, with the dignity of an ancient queen. Stretched once. Vanished into the woods without sound.

They packed what they had. Left the tent, the sawdust, the smell of gasoline and shame.

They drove through the night in Ramona’s rusted truck, neither speaking. Only the road sang—humming its low, mournful, holy tune.

When they woke, it was to birdsong. Real birdsong.

They had arrived.

The city was nothing like the world they’d known. There were no maps. No gates. Just gardens. Endless gardens. Wild lavender growing from lamp posts. Vines curling around street signs. Fig trees splitting open sidewalks. Bees, fat and unbothered. Children barefoot and unafraid.

They stepped out of the truck into sun-warmed stone. A breeze touched their skin like a promise.

They walked without direction. No one stared. No one asked. A man with no arms offered them tea. A woman with horns sold peaches from a cart made of bone and moss. Someone played a harp from the roof of a cathedral with no walls.

Ramona turned to Leona.

“I think this is it.”

Leona blinked. “Heaven?”

Ramona smiled. “Not quite. Just a place where no one flinches.”

They found a garden behind an ivy-covered door. Slept beneath the fig trees, their bodies still smelling of earth and each other. When they woke, still dark, Ramona kissed her again—deeper this time. Mouths open. Fingers in hair. Skin pressed to skin. A kind of devotion that tasted like sweat and honey and stars.

The Moon hung high overhead. And somewhere in the distance, a Fool stepped onto the road again. But not alone.

The Noise of Your Songs

Yesterday was Sunday,

and all I could think about were the millions gathering in praise

while their neighbors are being hunted --

not in metaphor, not in shadow,

but in plain sight.

On sidewalks.

On jobsites.

In bedrooms and classrooms, no longer safe.

They invoked God's will as if they had no agency,

as if heaven required their silence

more than their courage.

As if faith were submission,

not resistance.

They denied the material:

the hunger in a child's belly,

the cough in a poisoned lung,

the eviction notice folded on the kitchen table --

as if the spiritual is all that matters,

as if the body is a burden to be endured, not a vessel to be honored.

They dismissed human suffering

as if it's inevitable.

As if it's someone else's calling to intervene.

As if it's not their place

to stand between empire and "the least of these."

But wasn't that the whole point?

How easily comfort recasts itself as righteousness.

How quickly love becomes selective.

How often the name of God is spoken

not as a balm,

but as a boundary.

And yet,

there are still mornings,

like today;

when the light hits the window just so,

and I remember:

the world does not need more belief.

It needs more becoming.

"I can't stand your religious meetings.

   I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.

I want nothing to do with your religion projects,

   your pretentious slogans and goals.

I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,

   your public relations and image making.

I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.

   When was the last time you sang to me?

Do you know what I want?

   I want justice -- oceans of it.

I want fairness -- rivers of it.

   That's what I want. That's all I want."

--- Amos 5:21-24

So Long, Maestro: A Requiem for a Musical Genius

Brian Wilson, the visionary architect of Southern California’s sonic dreamscape, has left us. Today, the world tilts a little out of key. The tides seem to pause, the sky wears a subtler blue. We have lost not just a man, but a fragment of the divine — the boy who heard symphonies in the wind and turned sand and sorrow into music.

He didn’t just write songs. He dreamt them. From Surfer Girl to Good Vibrations, his harmonies were cathedral-like — sun-dappled sanctuaries built out of ache and elation. And in 1966, Pet Sounds arrived like a comet trailing stardust, an album so tender, so strange and beautiful, that even now it sounds like a secret whispered from another planet. "Wouldn't It Be Nice" is not merely a pop song; it's a love letter folded into eternity, a lullaby for the hearts that still believe in what could be. Hearts like mine. 

But beneath all that lush orchestration, the Wrecking Crew sessions, the genius of layered vocals and sweeping harmonics — there was the wreckage of a childhood too cruel for poetry. Murry Wilson, his father, was a tyrant with a belt and a bitter tongue, a man who hit Brian so hard he lost hearing in one ear — and then took credit for the music he could never have imagined. The very man who should have been his first refuge taught him early that love could be conditional, and violent.

And later, as the walls of his mind began to collapse — voices, fear, isolation — the very brothers and bandmates who had once harmonized beside him left him behind. They boarded planes to tour the world, singing his songs, wearing matching stripes, while he stayed home in bed, weeping into the silence. There was no lifeboat. Just a piano. Just the dogged clink of ivory, trying to build beauty faster than the darkness could take it.

Yet somehow, still, he composed. Because music — oh, music — was the lifeline. It was the place where Brian became whole again. He heard colors. He stitched aching melodies like threads through time, pulling us all into a world where sadness didn’t have to be survived alone. In "I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times," he told the truth plainly: he wasn’t. He was out of sync with the world. He was made for something better. Something softer. He was tuned to a frequency this world too often fails to hear.

And yet, we heard him.

Los Angeles grew up under his spell. The Beach Boys were its sun-slicked soundtrack — surfboards, Mustangs, barefoot freedom — but it was Brian who filled the city with an invisible golden resonance, a kind of sonic afterglow. He made the Pacific sing. He made the car radio a chapel. He gave youth a heartbeat.

And beyond the cars and girls and waves, he gave us something purer: the sound of longing, of the sacred ache to belong, to love, to find peace. He was a boy who wanted to build heaven out of harmonies — and he very nearly did.

Brian Wilson was not just a man. He was a visitation. A candle lit at both ends. A conduit for the infinite dressed in flip-flops and falsetto. He gave us more than songs — he gave us glimpses of the sublime.

I'm so honored to have been alive to see it, hear it, feel it.

So long, Maestro. We return you to the Heaven from which you came.

Thank you for making this place beautiful, and for giving this man something to strive for, both in art and in life.

Tattooed Theology (Matter Matters)

I've been living inside the strange grace of Flannery O’Connor’s imagination—where grotesquery becomes gospel and every wound hums with the low, electric current of divine confrontation. I’ve returned, again and again, to Parker’s Back—a story soaked in mystery and flesh, inked in the theology of Incarnation.

O’Connor did not write from sentiment. She wrote from scar tissue. Her stories do not soothe; they confront. They insist—almost violently—on one unrelenting truth: spirit is not separate from matter. To pretend otherwise is not merely dishonest. It is heresy.

To be enfleshed, as Christ was enfleshed, is to bear the unbearable weight of both divinity and decay. It is to ache with the whole body for the healing of the whole world. Not just the salvation of souls. Not just some pieced-together theology of escape. But for this world—this burning, breaking, beloved world—to be transfigured. The Kingdom, after all, is not waiting in the clouds. It is “within you,” Jesus said. Among you. Within bodies.

So I want to say this plainly, without qualification:

To dismiss suffering—to regard it as a necessary prelude to paradise, or to speak of the world’s unraveling as merely “a sign of the times”—is not faith.

It is cowardice clothed in piety.

It is spiritual bypassing.

It is a refusal to weep with those who weep.

Last week, the president posted an image of planes taking off with the gleeful words: “Let the deportations begin.”

And since then, ICE has brought down hell among the working people of Los Angeles and many other cities. They've tossed flash bangs to dissuade the gathering crowd. They've waited outside courthouses where immigrants—doing things the right way—were seeking asylum and legal protection. Mothers torn from their children. Fathers disappeared into cages. All while the president rejoiced. And the pro-lifers cheered.

Is this pro-life?

Is this faith?

Silence is complicity. But even worse is celebration in the face of terror. Shame on everyone who supports this evil.

Ezra Klein wrote, “The emergency is here.” He wasn’t being alarmist. He was being accurate.

The signs of crisis are not metaphysical—they are material:

 Human beings kidnapped and disappeared by a system we pretend is legal

Programs for the poor, the disabled, the voiceless—slashed and burned like the forests under threat.

A proposed autism registry, that should terrify every human with memory.

And a chorus of public lies, desecrating truth like spit on the Gospel.

I feel this grief in my body. In my nervous system. In the shortening of breath. In the tightening of my jaw when I read the news. That matters. Not because I am the center—but because the body knows: someone else’s suffering is not abstract. It is embodied. Like Christ on the cross. Like the migrant crossing the desert. Like the trans kid facing erasure. Like the mother being told, again, to carry what may kill her.

Prayer without action is not prayer. It is a form of religious theater.

We cannot whisper “thy kingdom come” while building walls to keep the kingdom out.

And yet I’ve heard Christians—many—say with untroubled confidence:

“We always knew the world would get worse. Our hope is not in this world.”

But O’Connor, like the mystics and prophets before her, would call this what it is: a heresy.

To deny the sacredness of this world—to abstract hope into some unbothered realm beyond genocide, hunger, or fascism—is to blaspheme the very act of Incarnation.

If Christ did not come into flesh, then what are we doing here?

If God does not dwell in bodies, then the Eucharist is a lie.

And if bodies do not matter—black bodies, brown bodies, disabled bodies, poor bodies, queer bodies—then the crucifixion was just a myth, not a revolution.

Ram Dass once said, “Compassion is not a mental construct. It’s the trembling of the body when you see someone else in pain and you know it as your own.”

And Chogyam Trungpa taught that the spiritual path begins with raw fear—that moment when all strategies collapse and you realize you’re not above the suffering, you are inside it.

So I will keep pleading—not from a place of political outrage, but from a deeper place.

A spiritual marrow-place.

A place of trembling.

I plead for Christians to remember that we are not saved from the world.

We are saved with the world.

Because the Cross was not an escape route.

It was a door into radical solidarity.

And the Resurrection?

It was not a magic trick. It was a declaration that matter matters.